“Women aged 15-44 are more likely to be
maimed or die from male violence than from cancer, malaria, traffic accidents,
and war combined.” –Half the Sky
Cultural norms
are one thing when observed and appreciated from afar for their anthropological
novelty. From that perspective, it’s easy to say that everything is morally
relative. It’s much harder, if not impossible, to accept culturally-related
behavior that negatively affects you or the people you care about directly.
One cultural
norm that is practiced in my village by people of all religions, sects, and
ethnicities, is polygamy. How many wives you have, like how many children you
have, is a status symbol. I had never been offended by it. I happen to come
from a place where the concept of love and romance are confounded to the point
where one can hardly decipher between the two. Where I come from, love is about
individuals and personal choice, so much so that if you decide you don’t love
someone anymore you can divorce them. However, in Burkina, marriage is about
uniting two families, producing
children, and division of labor (for the vast, vast majority). I had always
accepted this aspect of Burkinabe family life and observed with curiosity how
the “sinomusos” (co-wives) dealt with each other and their husbands. I was
always looking for subtle clues as to whether they were all treated equally and
who had the most power. I found to my surprise that many women were enthusiastic
about having a co-wife since it meant a lightening of their own heavy domestic
burden.
I accepted
polygamy until it happened in my adopted family. I had always thought of Moussa
and Alimatou as an exception to the rule (many rules, really, but polygamy as
well). As far as I could tell they were madly in love- they joked around with
each other and always treated each other with kindness, if not as complete
equals (I still live in Burkina Faso where men are the chiefs of their households
and women are subservient). They’re also wonderful parents to three beautiful
girls.
One day, I went
over to their house as usual for midday tea to find him sitting with a woman
I’d never seen before. I figured this was a relative from out of town. After he
introduced her as his fiancée, I asked if he was serious. In hindsight, it was
weird of me to say but African men are always joking about their new “wives”.
He told me that he wasn’t kidding and that they might be getting married next
year during wedding season “insha allah” (god willing).
I was in shock.
I immediately thought of Alima- was this news to her, too? We finished our tea
and I said I had somewhere to be. Really, I just needed to process this. At
this moment I wasn’t upset or angry, just very surprised.
Later that night
Moussa went out with his fiancée, Bintou, and Alima stayed home with the kids.
When he came back he slept with his fiancée in the bedroom while Alima slept in
the kitchen. She cooks for them and in the morning she has to bring them both
water to bathe. Apparently, this is normal during the courting process.
I tried to
picture any American woman I know being okay with this kind of situation: being
relegated to sleep in the kitchen after living with your husband for ten years
because he wants to sleep with a new woman and then bringing them both food and
water when they’re done. Needless to say, I was infuriated. I needed to find
out how Alima was feeling.
When Alima and I
had our usual nightly chat, she showed a little animosity towards the girl (I
use the word girl because she is maybe seventeen years old) but not much. She
quickly talked about other things and was even laughing. I felt like an idiot.
Everything was fine. The only person who felt awkward was me. As long as my
friends are happy, then I’m happy for them. Things are just different here, I
thought.
The next
morning, after I finished my classes, I went to visit her. I knew that Moussa
had probably gone out again with Bintou. For as long as she was visiting, it
seemed like this is how things would be. Alima and I chatted a bit and she
started complaining about being angry at Moussa for some reason (a reason so
silly I can’t even remember it now). All
of a sudden I noticed that she had tears in her eyes. My heart sank. People
don’t cry in this culture… ever! This is a woman who gave birth on her own on
her kitchen floor and didn’t cry. I kept thinking about how much pain she must
be in. Even though she now had more power as the first wife, the new wife would
be his favorite, at least for a little while. I didn’t know how to comfort her.
My culture was telling me to give her a hug and ask her why she was really
upset, so we could talk out her feelings. But somehow I thought that this would
make her feel pitied and I don’t pity her. She is an extremely strong person
and once the situation settles she will take it in stride and carry on, even
though its clearly against her wishes. Women do this every day all over the
world for the sake of their children. I was furious with Moussa, and any man
the world over for that matter, who could completely disregard his wife’s
feelings in this way. There is simply no justification- religious, cultural, or
otherwise.
I’m not saying
that polygamy can never work. I just think that everyone should consent to it
first. You can’t ignore the wishes of the mother of your children just because
you want to parade around with and sleep with some new woman.
But this isn’t
the end of the story, it’s the beginning. Jump forward to a few months later
when Bintou is now living in the courtyard full-time acting as a wife even
though they are not actually married yet. Bintou is now working with Alima to
do both household work and work in the fields. Alima shared her shea nuts with
Bintou so that she could sell them for money during the rainy season which I
saw as a nice gesture and a sign that things have improved. It turns out you
can never truly know how a woman is feeling in a culture where she is
consistently told that to be a good wife and mother she must subvert her own
opinions and neglect her feelings in favor of her husband’s…
It started with
a few misunderstandings and miscommunications and ended in violence. She didn’t
bring him lunch in the fields one day, she took the toothbrush cup to go get
coffee, she served him his food without water, etc. Result: he chased her out
of the courtyard and whipped her neck with a stick. She wasn’t able to turn her
head for almost a week. Bintou and Moussa’s uncle had shunned her to sit and be
by herself all day. I invited her to have tea with me on my porch and sleep in
my courtyard if she felt more comfortable, which she did.
Like all issues
in Burkina, the problem was “third-partied” (having another relative or friend
step in and ask for forgiveness/mediate on your behalf). The relatively rich
uncle who was in town told them both to apologize and move on, while Moussa
also asked me to third-party on his behalf for Alima. I politely told him that
whatever marital problems they had were between him and Alima, but that I could
not and would not be his friend anymore because to do so would be to tacitly
condone violence against women. What can I say? I’m still an American woman
with all of the connotations and beliefs that come with that and this is one
aspect of the culture that I will never, never accept.
Some will
contend that, when I mention violence, I’m no longer talking about a “cultural
norm”. Some will say that violence is not inherently part of the Burkinabe
culture in the same way that misogyny is not part of the Islamic religion.
However, I would argue that violence, widespread in the school system, in the
domestic realm, and in traditional practices such as female genital mutilation
is in fact part of the Burkinabe culture. When you consider that violence is
the Burkinabe parenting style, a form of pedagogy for teachers, and the means
with which men continue to render their wives submissive, at what point can one say that violence is part of
Burkinabe culture, even if it isn’t politically correct to do so? What else is
culture if not the sea we swim in, so pervasive that it affects how we approach
all aspects of our day to day lives? Burkinabe families and institutions are so
entrenched with violence that they’re dripping with it.
. Alima says it
doesn’t matter if he asked for forgiveness, she will never truly forgive him
and things will never be the same. She says that the men here are not good- as
soon as they get a second wife they don’t want you anymore. She says that if it
wasn’t for the kids she’d leave (In Burkina, men almost always have the right
to custody of their children in the case of a divorce). She was so angry that
she didn’t eat for almost two days.
Mostly, I don’t
understand why an intelligent man who had always been so persuasive with his
words and so loving towards his wife and children needed to resort to violence.
I think it’s largely due to the social pressure to be a “good Muslim” or an
“African man”. It’s the same reason why Moussa won’t fetch his own bath water,
because he says the men in the village would find out and laugh at him for not
being a real man. It’s the same reason why whenever I suggest to men to share
domestic tasks with their wives they say “C’est l’Afrique, ce n’est pas comme
ca ici.” Apparently, beating your wife makes you more of a man, too.
As long as
Africans maintain this kind of abuse against women under the facade of
tradition and the status quo, they will never develop economically or socially.
Without uplifting their women, they have absolutely no chance of achieving the
democratic institutions or material wealth that they tell me they desire on a
daily basis.
One of the
hardest parts of being a Peace Corps volunteer is trying to reconcile our
innermost beliefs, what makes us “us”, with the beliefs present in our host
country culture. This can sometimes cause a loss of identity since our beliefs
are a huge part of who we are. A lot of the time, we are walking on eggshells
to remain culturally sensitive. We are told that we will find the answers to
problems within the culture. I think the existential crises arise when one
realizes that it’s the culture itself which is creating a lot of the problems.